Life Changes
Wednesday, May 23, 2012 at 6:37AM 
Ever have those weeks that you can't seem to get it together. Well, I am in the midst of one. Life is changing much too quickly for me. Yesterday Ellie had her final recitation at school for the summer and I boohooed. I love seeing the confident little girl emerge. We have decided to hold her back a year so potentially she can catch up and not be so behind on studies and maturity level in class. I know this is the right decision one we have complete peace about yet I still can't stop thinking if we are making the right decision. I feel like she is finally making head way in her class, but then again it took her all year to get to that point. KJ starts school in the fall and that means I will be by my lonesome for the majority of the day. My little partner will be off being big a kid. It also leads to the question that everyone asks "What are you going to do now?". Well, I have no idea. I know I will be in the position to contribute financially, but what about summers, spring break, etc. Over the years I have dabbled in many things, but have never had to think about it long term. They have been fun and frivolous. Never career worthy as of yet. I enjoy doing many things, but I am not positive what that ONE thing is that I could make into a worthwhile career choice. I passionately love being a mother. That is what I know I am good at. I am well aware that won't stop, ever, but they also won't continually be with me anymore. I tear up at a drop of a hat. I am one that continually looks ahead. What am I going to do when they go off to college and then get married?!?!? I do have even a greater fear of missing what is happening NOW though. I want to live this life to the fullest. With life changing I am just not sure what that looks like right now. I am needlessly stressed to say the least. Thankfully Ellie gets out of school today. I am determined to make this the best summer yet, before all these changes drive me raving mad.
I have this on repeat in my mind, as of now it helps... Matthew 6:34
Reader Comments (19)
I think you are totally making the right decision to hold Ellie back. I wish I had done this with Ella. I think that every decision you make as a Mom is so hard and you always feel like you could be making a wrong decision. My Mom always tells me that our generation worries too much and we just need to do what feels right. Just remember that you are a good mom and your instincts are most likely the right ones.
I'm so glad that God has given you a peace about the decision... but even with knowing it's right... it's still hard not to question it sometimes. I am constantly telling myself to TRUST HIM.
What an exciting time and sad at the same time. It's amazing how quickly they grow!
Oh, there is so much emotion in this post. Your decision to hold your daughter back a year must have been a difficult one to make, but I agree that you have to go with your instincts. Giving her confidence now will serve her so well in the future. I also understand the stress about what to do now that your kids will both be in school. I am actually leaving my job in a couple months so that I can spend more time with my little guys, but I'm already thinking about what I could do in a couple years when they're both in school. It's so hard to find that right balance between wanting to contribute financially but still being able to be home with your kids after school, on snow days, vacation weeks, summers, etc. I don't know what that will look like for me either. I guess I will take it one step at a time. Meanwhile, enjoy a wonderful and happy summer!
You are doing the right thing keeping her back, you are giving her the gift of time (I did the same with Jack) and although you will have both kids in school you can't believe how busy you will be. You will have more opportunities to help at school and do most of your errands in peace;)
I totally agree with your decision with Ellie. I am a former teacher and know that some children are just later blooming flowers who bloom in God's time, not ours. There is always a reason. The stress that will be alleviated for her is more than worth it. Be sure to see this in a positive LIGHT as children pick up on negative interpretations and Ellie sounds like an especially sensitive child. Such children are great gifts and teach us so much! As for you, if you feel a need for some career or expression, I would suggest that you just continue to do what you love.You could become an artistic photographer and sell your art at shows and on-line.. You could be a wonderful interior decorator, etc. etc. I am 65 and wish I had followed my heart more instead of being in business sales. I would have explored music and writing which I'm finally doing now... A year ago I too asked: what now? What of a number of possibilities should I pursue? I finally decided to just begin one of them and see what happens? Paula, you are so very lucky to have the freedom to choose.. Use it and be happy and grateful
I know how you feel because I was in your shoes seven years ago. We have four children (3 boys and a girl) and made the decision to hold back our daughter when she entering first grade. It was the best decision we have made educationally and emotionally her. She is thriving and we have never looked back and questioned our decision. Also, I agree with the poster above (Janice)...you have so much talent - follow your heart and do something you love.
I was held back in the 2nd grade. It was the worst thing ever for me. No one ever asked ME how I felt about it. I know I was struggling academically and I was immature, But I am a shy girl and still am to this day, I prefer a small group of friends, it's my personality, I am not behind socially like my parents assumed. Consequently, when I returned to the SAME school (big mistake if you go forward with this) all my friends believed I had "flunked" like they had assumed. No one believed someone could be held back without reason, at least to a 2nd grader mindset. I lost ALL my friends. Even the girl who lived on my block my whole life stopped talking to me. Then my whole school career I had to explain to people why I was a year older, even still if someone is my same graduating class I have to explain why we are not the same age. Embarrassing. If you do hold her back make sure you explore these aspects very carefully. If I could go back and shape my own experience I would want to be home schooled or put in a DIFFERENT school where I was not a pariah, where I had a clean slate.
Paula--I recently found your blog and enjoy it so much. Thank you for your post today. My two year old just finished her first year of preschool today and I have been a wreck. I am usually an unemotional person but for some reason this has got me thinking about the future and how little time we actually have with our kids while they are young. I completely understand your anxiety over both kids being in school next year. Glad to know I am not alone in this sentiment!
Also, just because they are going to be in school full time doesn't mean they won't still need you. Follow your heart--if you think you still need to stay home and still dabble in other things, then do. You're right--only one short and precious life!
Enjoy your summer and your youngsters! ANd thanks for sharing your sentiment--it helps to know I am not alone in these feelings :)
Ellie won't be a pariah. as someone who graduated high school at 17, i applaud you for seeing the signs now that she needs time to mature both socially and academically. i wish i had been given that year. i feel as if i would have gained confidence and made stronger life choices at the time (or just more mature ones:). i had follower tendencies, whereas we pray over our children to be leaders. my oldest has a late july birthday and our decision to do 5k, and then Kindergarten at 6 was THE best decision for her, and she has flourished. continue to do what you do best - love her, encourage her, pray for her and she will be fine. as for your little one becoming big....praying you find some comfort in that - who knows...you might just be worlds best room mom and find yourself with more things to do than you bargained for. :)
as a first grade teacher, i think you'll be quite happy with your decision to hold ellie. 99% of the time parents come back telling me that they are so happy they held their child back. it will be an adjustment in the beginning, but, after a while, i'm sure she will flourish! i also don't think you should feel pressure of "what to do now?" the kiddos are still sooo young & i'm sure they'll keep you busy, even if they're not at home 24/7. plus, you already do so much - the blog, photography, the framing/scripture business...that's a lot to keep up with! good luck to you no matter what you choose.
I think the current notion of rushing our children and stuffing our children with information has replaced the true meaning of going to school in the first place - to learn and expand our world. Perhaps you may like to consider other approaches to schooling. Waldorf schooling may be a good option since you feel that Ellie requires another year. You have a great blog!! Keep it up!!
Paula,
Your post made me tear up! I'm not quite a Momma yet but the scariest thing to me yet is how absolutely out of my control their little life will be (them getting sick, making their own choices, etc). Such a foreign thought to me right now...
You are so creative and I love reading your blog. Very inspiring! Hugs!
Paula you are so wonderfully creative I am sure GOd will guide you into what you should be doing in the times that the children are at school. Honestly though those hours will fly by. Focus on part-time ie work at home type of jobs so that you can do the various breaks from school. Trust me that Ellie is still young enough that the year held back could only be positive. I also along with the hubbie made a decision on schooling for our son.
((hugs)) they do grow up so fast and you are right before you know it they will be in college call from across the country wuahh! Well that is how I feel as I look at my four :D
have a great great weekend.
Paula, wish I could give you a giant hug right now. xo
Paula,
I can really relate to your anxiety about deciding whether or not to have your child repeat a grade. After much back and forth all year -- or really, since pre-k -- we have decided to have our daughter repeat 1st grade next year. For us, our decision was based on three factors -- maturity, keeping up academically, and physical size (she is very petite). Those three factors coming together made it seem like the *right* decision, but really, who knows. I will say that every person I've spoken with who has held their child back has been happy they did. Many said that it helped their child gain confidence and become a leader. As parents, it can be hard to know what to do -- but we can follow our gut and do what our instinct is telling us is the way to go. If you are up for sharing it on the blog, I'll be interested in hearing how you explain the decision to Ellie. I'm still trying to figure out how best to explain it to my daughter. Good luck!
I so appreciate your transparency. Beautiful words. Trusting God fully can be the hardest act, but once it's done he does indeed shower you with peace. This doesn't mean you won't have to keep waking up and giving it back to him every.single.day ;) hope you and your family have a blessed summer
I did kindergarten twice and loved it! I think it gave me an extra year to be a kid before heading off to catholic school! I think for me it was the best decision and I have never resented my mom for that choice :)
I just stumbled upon your blog and was so touched by this post and the love you have for your children. Reading through some of the comments I felt I should respond. I was also held back by my parents in elementary school and I think it was the best thing they could have done for me. As a child I do not remember feeling embarrassed or resentful for repeating a year and as an adult I am thankful for the extra time to grow and stretch into myself. I know I struggled to keep up with the other kids and that's why my parents held me back. After that year I made perfect grades every other semester my entire elementary school career and even received a medal for it at my graduation. The pride from that day is one of my most vivid memories and if I had not been held back I do not think I would have experienced it. I believe involved, caring parents know what their children need and I wanted to congratulate you on following your instincts. I'm glad you have peace about the decision, in my experience this peace is how you know you have made the right, maybe not easy, but right one.
You already know how I feel about Ellie, as I've already written to you privately about that. What you write about the struggle with your own identity as a stay-at-home mom really hits home for me. I'm only beginning to get a glimpse of that since my twin are still so far from Kindergarten, but it's going to happen to me all at once, and it scares me to death. I can really identify with what you are saying, Paula.
Camille